Loving my music: a conflict of heart and head

So I have been wondering over the last 3 1/2 years that I have been playing drums, why I feel very satisfied some of the times and very unsatisfied after others. I have tried many different situations and scenarios, in hopes of answering this. I tried playing alone more, playing with others more, play more covers, playing more original music, I tried playing in different bands, some with existing friends and some with strangers that I got to know. One thing thing that I noticed seem to be fairly consistent was whether I played live or not. I figured out that most of the playing time when I am live is from my heart. I also learned that when I try to play from my head when I am live that I almost completely freeze up. So what ends up happening is that I simply let go. I play what I feel and let the rest go. Now, I have only learned that within the last year or so and as I have explored on my own, behind closed doors, the details of that have become clear. I also, in this time, have explored playing with other musicians in various ways and have learned some additional pieces to this. When I share my intimate details, my experience also deepens. So, now, I am back to playing alone and have just learned some new information. Well, its not really new, but I am having a new experience of it. I played drums earlier and had the intention of playing from my heart so as to be satisifed and fulfilled by the time playing. I noticed that within the first 15 minutes, I was conflicted between what sounded cool and what felt good to play.